A List of Things To Make You Feel Nice

Feel the sun beams dance on your fingers,
the sunlight blinding your face,
forcing your eyes to squint,
completing a portrait of smiles around the edges of your eyes.

Cherish the sound of gravel grinding against your shoes,
with movements of your feet beating a rhythm against the ground
as you walk down different paths
with fresh morning air trailing behind you.

Breathe in the smell of rain,
the smell of ground and grass soaking in droplets –
droplets that beat onto tin roofs and porches
beating like drums to the sound of thunder and clouds.

Take in the smell of charcoal and fresh paint
when you walk around lanes of new houses
and old garages with the smell of new cars
with sounds of tools sharpening, tightening and scrapping parts.

Explore the smell of new books,
the sound of flipping fresh paper,
holding onto hardcover books,
as the aroma of coffee in a cup wafts into the air nearby.

And cosy up into a blanket near the fire,
hear it crackle in the fireplace,
with its sound lulling you to sleep,
as your droopy eyelids barely make out the sight
of half eaten biscuits and fresh candy lying next to a jar nearby.

 

A purposeless conversation with myself

“I cry less now. The only times I cry now is when I think about me getting hurt in the past and trying to hang on so desperately to hope; pushing harder every single time i was knocked down. I want to go back and hug that person and cry with them. I want to hug them and tell them that they’re beautiful and brave and they’ll get through things no matter how hurt they are. I want to protect that person from any more harm and just slap them into listening to me so that they don’t get hurt anymore. But I can’t do that. I wish I could; I wish so badly that I could comfort my past self and be there for her at those moments when she needed someone. But I can’t. And now all I have is a gaping wide hole in my heart which seems to have been covered with a thin sheet. It could break any moment and perhaps the only way to avoid that is to hide the sheet itself. Sometimes, that’s what it feels like I’m doing.

Lately my thoughts have been overlapping more than usual. I think to myself: I can’t let this happen to someone else but then… How do I do that? How do I protect someone else? Even right now, I see it all happening to someone else. And another person… and another. But I can’t seem to do anything. I feel helpless. I try but no matter what I do I feel helpless and perhaps, that is the worst; seeing it happen all over again to someone else.  Maybe if I tell people about it entirely that would help? Will it really change anything? Haven’t you noticed yourself that nothing changes, no one does anything and you kind of have to sit there watching it all happen wondering how can this be okay? Not only that, but you end up fearing that even those closest to you will end up thinking you’re over reacting or just driven by emotion or even perhaps just crazy? If nothing changes how do I stop things? How do I not let it be okay? How do I protect someone else?

Some would say protect yourself first, heal yourself first and then look to others. But is that really something you can do…? If I really saw the other person as someone like me, how could I face them in the end saying I was trying to protect myself first? I would get hurt by letting them get hurt.

It’s so hard to feel things now. I find myself desperate to feel anything, even pain, so much so that I was on the verge of cutting my hand just so I could feel something inside. It’s like laughing but not feeling happiness, it’s like crying but not feeling sadness and it’s like being punched yet not even flinching when it comes right at you.”

 

Rain

Dance –
In the sparkling rain,
Under the canopy of a shaded sky,
Serenaded by the song of dancing droplets,
With daisies peeking at your ankles,
caressing, cradling, cuddling,
the springy feet of an animated spirit.

You never see it coming…

I wish it wouldn’t hurt
But it’s so scary:
The slightest indication,
The slightest doubt,
A single word
And the heart
Jumps, leaps, crawls
Back into the deepest cozy corners of its shell
Trying to recover
Everything that fell
Into pieces
Shattered, broken & hurt.

Free?

There is something intriguing in the way a person realises they’ve lost everything.  You sit there on your bed, in your room maybe, or behind a desk in your office, or on the bus riding with hundreds of strangers or in a classroom sitting among your friends – in the end it is all the same for the person who undergoes the experience.

It takes a moment, a single split second for realization to dawn upon you, a minute for you to start recounting what you lost and then only a breath before you give up on that as well.

It is not sad or tearful – maybe in the start a little bit. But after a minute or two , it is numb. You are numb.

And you think what are you now? If you lost the things you used to think are what define you, what are you now? Who are you?

You are free.

Of emotion.

You are back in the wild wide world – not bound by any strings – drifting through the world’s sea.

You are free. At last to let go.

Overwhelmed

Those little skips of the heart,
Followed by a flittering glance,
And a gasp of air as the sound of footsteps throbs in her ears,
With the freshly cut and polishednails digging into her seat below,
She suddenly turns her eyes away, when he passes by
, even without looking at him she can feel those overwhelming feelings towards him course through her veins.

songs

He was listening to her playlist, trying to feel what she felt when she was listening to all those songs. Every song having its own meaning , memory and message for her. And yet he felt as if all those songs were a part of her that she’d left behind…

Just One Tiny Bite

An Open Letter To My Child’s Meltdown

The Perfect Dad

Dear Meltdown,

I really don’t like you.

Not my kid. Not my beautiful child, a gift from God, a human being with a radiant smile that scientists could bottle and use to cure depression. But meltdown you are taking a toll on my life.

I don’t even know how to deal with you. Have you ever seen a baseball player who took too many steroids, strikes out, and then destroys all the jugs of Gatorade in the dugout with ‘roid rage? That is you.

You make my daughter twist her body like a Cirque Du Soleil contortionist. If I try to pick my daughter up while you are around she squiggles out of my arms like she is Houdini and I am a straight jacket.

The worst part is when you show up everyone turns into a child psychologist. “Somebody needs a nap,” says everyone who has ever watched my…

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That Moment

It was just that one moment-when she let her guard down. I saw her childish side. the part of her that didn’t care about what people said or what they thought of her. And in the moment I saw her smile reach her eyes.