I cry less now. The only times I cry now is when I think about me getting hurt in the past and trying to hang on so desperately to hope – pushing harder every single time i was knocked down. I want to go back and hug that person and cry with them. I want to hug them and tell them that they’re beautiful and brave and they’ll get through things no matter how hurt they are. I want to protect that person from any more harm and just slap them into listening to me so that they don’t get anymore hurt. But I can’t do that. I wish I could – I wish so badly that I could comfort my past self and be there for her at those moments when she needed someone. But I can’t. And now all I have is a gaping wide hole in my heart which seems to have been covered with a thin sheet. It could break any moment and perhaps the only way to avoid that is to hide the sheet itself. Sometimes, that’s what it feels like I’m doing.
Lately my thoughts have been overlapping more than usual. I think to myself: I can’t let this happen to someone else but then… How do i do that? How do I protect someone else? Even right now, I see it all happening to someone else but I can’t seem to do anything. I feel helpless. I try but no matter what I do I feel helpless and perhaps, that is the worst; seeing it happen all over again to someone else. Maybe if I tell people about it entirely that would help? but..will it really change anything? Haven’t you noticed yourself that nothing changes, noone does anything and you kinda have to sit there watching it all happen wondering how can this be okay? Not only that, but you end up fearing that even those closest to you will end up thinking you’re over reacting or just driven my emotion or even perhaps just crazy? If nothing change how do I stop things? How do I not let it be okay? How do I protect someone else?
Some would say protect yourself first, heal yourself first and then look to others. But is that really something you can do…? If I really saw the other person as someone like me, how could I face them in the end saying I was trying to protect myself first? I would get hurt by letting them get hurt.
It’s so hard to feel things now. I find myself desperate to feel anything, even pain, so much so that I was on the verge of cutting my hand just so I could feel something inside. It’s like laughing but not feeling happiness, it’s like crying but not feeling sadness and it’s like being punched yet not even flinching when it comes right at you.